Toonces the Cat eyed in Tiger Woods crash

by DEREMY UNDERHILL, WACKY DELI NEWS

In his defense, Toonces CAN drive a car...just not very well...

WINDERMERE, FLORIDA – Police investigating Tiger Woods’ mysterious car crash now say they believe a D-list celebrity house guest of the golfing legend may have actually been responsible for the accident.

Sources close to the investigation believe Toonces the Cat, who had been staying in the “Kato Kaelin Wing” of Woods’ guest house, was driving the car at the time of the crash, citing several hairballs and half-eaten mice found in and around the vehicle. They also say the scratches  across Woods’ face are more consistent with “domestic short-haired cat” claw marks, as opposed to “enraged wife who thinks you had an affair” claw marks.

Police suspect Woods was in the passenger seat at the time of the crash, and received the scratches after the flaky feline suddenly “freaked out” after accidentally hitting a tree.

Toonces, the former star of Saturday Night Live known for his fiery, over-the-cliff careening car crashes, has so far been unavailable to talk to authorities, citing “exhaustion” and “acute catnip poisoning.”

When asked why Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren would cover up Toonces’ role in the incident, a police source said, “Would YOU want people to know you let a CAT drive around in your $70,000 Cadillac Escalade at 2:30 in the morning?”