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LEAKED: Top 10 Shockers in the Lost Finale!

Last night, The Wacky Deli obtained a TOP SECRET copy of the script for the much-anticipated Lost finale, accidentally left behind at a local dive bar by one of the show’s hapless drunk assistant key grips.

As strong believers in the Freedom of Speech, Old Glory, apple pie and  freedom fritters, we at The Wack view it as our constitutional duty to disclose what we discovered. Plus, we could really, really use the ratings and web traffic we’ll generate as a result to gain new corporate sponsorship.

So without further ado, here are the Top 10  Shockers in the Lost Finale!

10. The smoke monster is really the ghost of Pig Pen.

9. The island’s polar bears are all escapees from the Neverland Ranch zoo.

8. They ain’t time travelin,’ just trippin’ on some shrooms.

7. Endearing Betty White cameo as a bawdy, wise-cracking 108 year-old Amelia Earhart

6. John Edwards revealed to be the  real father of Claire’s baby.

5. The Others are all actually Titanic survivors who somehow rowed 10,000 miles to the Pacific in a lifeboat in order to harness the island’s powers to go back in time and save Abraham Lincoln. Or something.

4. The numbers (4, 8, 15, 16, 23 & 42) are just Obama’s last six bowling scores.

3. Mrs. Howell kills Mr. Howell in a bloody murder-suicide after discovering Mary Ann was his secret love child (oh sorry – that was in the GILLIGAN’S ISLAND finale).

2. Hurley turns out to be Keyser Söze on an eating binge.

1. It was all Bob Newhart’s dream.

Arizona lawmakers rename salsa “democracy dip,” nachos now “freedom fritters”

Gov. Jan Brewer - Defending Arizona from cultural diversity since 2009

BY DEREMY UNDERHILL

Taking a strong stand on behalf of traditional American culture and values, the Arizona legislature this week approved sweeping legislation mandating all Mexican-sounding foods and drinks sold in the state be given proper English names.

From now on in the Grand Canyon State, salsa is to be known as “democracy dip” and chili as “star spangled stew.” In addition, tacos are to be called “Washington wraps,” nachos are “freedom fritters,” and huevos rancheros are “eagle eggs.”

And don’t be ordering margaritas at any Phoenix restaurants any time soon. From now on, it’s strictly “liberty lemonade.”

The move is the latest in a flurry of patriotic efforts by Arizona lawmakers to defend the state from questionable foreign influences, including a ban on ethnic studies classes in the public schools and a crackdown on undocumented aliens.

After signing the measure, Gov. Jan Brewer insisted it wasn’t meant to target the state’s non-white residents or culture.

“I have nothing but respect and tolerance for the dozen or so Mexicans who followed our laws and immigrated here legally,” she said at a post-signing press conference. “This isn’t about demeaning them, it’s about protecting our society from all threats, both criminal and culinary.”

Jupiter missing a cloud stripe; Botox suspected

Missing lines…a smoother surface…an expressionless, Nancy Pelosi-esque appearance…all point to one invariable conclusion – Botox!  If true, 4.6 billion year-old Jupiter would be the third planet to resort to cosmetic surgery to bolster its aging appearance, following Venus’ boob job and Uranus’ ass implants.

WACKY POLL: Who would win in a fight to the death – Han Solo or Greedo?

Oh wait. Never mind.

Public still only vaguely aware of Lindsay Lohan’s dad, despite his douchy antics

Lindsay's dad, undoubtedly off doing some douchy media scheme

BY DEREMY UNDERHILL
Senior Hollywood Correspondent

Despite his best efforts to gain widespread notoriety at the expense of his seriously troubled daughter, most people are still only vaguely aware of Michael Lohan and his douchy antics, The Wacky Deli has discovered in exhaustive “man on the street” interviews.

“Michael Lohan, is he related to Lindsay Lohan?” asked Jill Zimmerman-Rizutto, an Albany, New York real estate agent. “Oh that’s her douchebag father, isn’t it. Yeah I’ve heard he’s kinda douchy.”

“I’ve seen headlines about her dad on TMZ a few times, but I never read the stories. He seems like he’s got some big-time douchiness going on,” said Cicero, Illinois restaurant hostess Betty Loren-Maltese.

“I’m pretty busy at the office, so I don’t know much about Lindsay Lohan’s father,” said Dayton, Ohio accountant Chester B. Arthur. “I think my teenage daughter has referred to him once or twice as some Hollywood douche, but that’s all I recall.”

Over the years, Michael Lohan has engaged in various douchy stunts, such as: holding non-stop media interviews about Lindsay’s troubled life; selling voicemails of his daughter breaking down in tears to tabloids; posting shirtless photos of himself on Twitter; crashing Hollywood parties; violating restraining orders against ex-girlfriends and trying to gain control of Lindsay’s $15.99 fortune.

Despite these douchy schemes aimed at getting extensive notoriety, it seems Lindsay’s dad has only marginally broken into the public consciousness, and what is known centers around his douchebaggery.

“Hell, even Amy Winehouse’s asshole husband isn’t that bad,” said Fresno, California housewife Hillary Harper. “I mean, sure, he’s douchy but not Michael Lohan douchy.”

WACKY DELI POLL: Who would win in a fight to the death – Alexander Hamilton or Aaron Burr?

Oh. Wait. Never mind.

SNL taps Zombie Bea Arthur to host upcoming show

Thank you for being a friend, traveled down the road and - BRAINS! Marrrrgh!

Trying to follow up on Betty White’s celebrated appearance on Saturday Night Live, the show’s producers have approached former Golden Girler Zombie Bea Arthur to host the show next month.

Zombie Bea has kept up a busy schedule since Arthur’s death in 2009. When she’s not eating brains and trying to break into secluded rural farmhouses, she stars in the off-Broadway play Night of the Living Dead Golden Girls with Mummy Estelle Getty.

Hung UK Parliament offered $100,000 to appear in Playgirl

By DEREMY UNDERHILL

LONDON – In a cheeky bid to take advantage of the United Kingdom’s photo-finish election, Playgirl magazine is offering the nation’s hung Parliament $100,000 to appear in its next edition.

Mollie Knickerswood, Playgirl’s UK bureau chief, said the photo spreads would feature the members of the hung Parliament in famous British backdrops, including sexy depictions of a Benny Hill chase and the Rabbit of Caerbannog scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, as well as settings incorporating the erotic use of fish and chips.

“Blimey, by showing off their bit n’ pieces and all that rot, we stand to make some arse loads of quid from these hung Parliament blokes we do,” Knickerswood said in a statement.

No word yet on whether Conservative leader David Cameron and Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg will accept the offer, though Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown is reportedly willing to take any deal, including a 20 euro offer by Mystery News magazine to wear nothing but a deerstalker hat.

UK EXIT POLLS: Some guy who looks like Data from Star Trek set to become new Prime Minister

Dammit Jim, he's a politician not an android. Though he does kinda looks like one...