THIS WEEK IN FAKE HISTORY: July 27, 1958 – Joan Crawford explodes nuclear bomb

July 27, 1958: Actress Joan Crawford explodes an atomic bomb, becoming the world's fourth nuclear power and heightening Cold War tensions.

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WACKY GUEST COMMENTARY by former President Calvin Coolidge

We are pleased to welcome former President Calvin Coolidge as our newest contributor to the Wacky Deli!

Mr. Coolidge, the first Vaudeville-American elected president, served in the White House from 1923 until 1929. He oversaw America during the “Roaring Twenties” – a time noted for its booming economy, Art Deco speakeasies, and thousands of bitter quotations by author Gertrude Stein.

During his Presidency, Mr. Coolidge made history by being the first person to foxtrot non-stop across the Atlantic Ocean. He also won praise as a trailblazer for women’s rights by appointing six flappers and three Mae West impersonators to his Cabinet.

Mr. Coolidge was known as “Silent Cal” during his time in office for rarely talking and having a quiet, acidic demeanor. One time, when a female dinner guest informed him she bet her friend she could make him say more than two words, the President famously replied: “F*** you.”

Today, the former President has  agreed to write a guest commentary regarding his thoughts on President Obama’s stimulus plan; specifically how it will impact the U.S. economy, whether it will generate the momentum necessary to stabilize the financial markets, and its effect on America’s long-term debt.

Without further adieu, take it away Mr. President!

The Impact of the Obama Stimulus Plan on the US Economy

by President Calvin Coolidge

July 21, 2009

****

“Won’t work.”

###

Obama proposes $1.2 trillion plan to phase out celebrity deaths

By Beryl Evans, Wacky Deli News Service

WASHINGTON – Alarmed at the recent deaths of Walter Cronkite, Michael Jackson and numerous other celebrities, President Obama today announced a sweeping $1.2 trillion plan to keep famous Americans as living, thriving taxpayers.

The President unveiled his “Celebrity Protection and Resurrection Plan” at a Rose Garden ceremony on Friday. Flanked by comedian Phyllis Diller and the two surviving Golden Girls, Obama vowed America would “pay any price” necessary to keep celebrities alive and healthy.

The old lady from Titanic could see eternal life, under the President's plan.

“In recent weeks, we have seen many of society’s most respected and beloved celebrities in the fields of arts, music and infomercials snatched from our midst,” the President said. “My message to Zsa Zsa Gabor, Andy Rooney and that old lady from Titanic is clear: We will do whatever it takes and bare any cost to ensure you stay in the world of the living.”

White House insiders say the President’s plan would direct about $600 billion toward round-the-clock medical support for the approximately 9,300 A, B and C-List celebrities currently alive in the United States. A further $400 billion would go for research to develop cloning technology capable of reviving recently deceased stars.

Republican Congressional leaders were quick to criticize the plan, arguing most of the funding is slanted toward protecting politically liberal Hollywood stars, while neglecting right-wing country music and NASCAR icons

“Under this plan, Liz Taylor would receive an in-home nutritionist, blood transfusion clinic and team of 20 nurses, while all Toby Keith would get is a bottle of aspirin – and generic aspirin at that,” said House Republican Leader John Boehner.